No, the Other Hole!

The Real Story

My Story

"Captain, the Romulan craft is hailing us. Shall we reply?"

Jim Stockworth, Captain of the Startship Entrepreneur rubbed his chin thoughtfully. Should he communicate with them? Or should he ignore them and just open fire with his photon torpedoes? Though he was leaning towards the latter, curiosity nibbled at his gut, and he couldn't help himself.

"Open up a channel on the Comm Deck Lieutenant, let's see what they have to say."

"Aye aye sir."

Lieutenant Aurora flipped some switches and tweaked some dials and ran her fingers over the touch screen which, due to her cold fingers, caused some strange reactions. But finally the Comm Deck screen flashed a view of the Romulan Flight Deck.

The Captain was pleased. This was so much more interesting than looking at millions of tiny white lights against a black background moving past him to his right and left. Of course he didn't know that was just the animated screensaver, since no one bothered to tell him. It kept him out of trouble, though, so this was a good thing.

"Greetings Earthlings!" the Romulan captain barked in broken English.

"Greetings," Stockworth replied.

"I said Greetings Earthlings! Why do you ignore my salutations? Are you being belligerent? I offer a peaceful greeting and you just ignore me? Bah, arm the phase cannons now!"

"Aurora, turn the volume on the mic up." Jim sighed and rubbed his chin as she jumped to respond. She always did that, always fucked something up. She motioned with her hand and he continued. "I said, Greetings Romulans. We had some problems with our volume. Can you hear me now?"

"Geez," everyone on the Romulan flight deck cringed as feedback squealed through the speakers. "No reason to shout like that. What was that, a Vulcan mind attack?" They were holding their ears in pain. "I could almost take that as a provocation in itself." The Romulan captain shook his head painfully. "Okay, so listen closely human scum. You are surrounded by Romulan Warbirds that have cloaking devices, all with their phase canons pointing down your throat. These are our demands, and I will give you 30 seconds to respond. First, we demand that-"

The screen went fuzzy, and then another visual screen popped up.

"What happened?" Stockworth barked out.

"I- I don't know, suddenly we're getting a download of- of-" Aurora lost her voice.

"Hi! Having trouble getting your sexual appendages to spring up? We have just the answer for you. New Viagra XT capsules baked into cupcakes. Have your cake and Edith too! Now, if you think that 26 foot long tentacle of yours is just limping around, you can get it to stand up straight and tall and probe the entire digestive system of your love interest. Order now in quantities of 50,000 or more."

"What the hell is that?" barked Stockworth. He sure was barking a lot. He rubbed his throat briefly, then went back to rubbing his chin.

"It looks like interstellar SPAM sir. It's been very frequent since we entered the Kabootie system. Normally our spam filters intercept, but this one got through somehow."

"Damn, and I don't even have a tentacle. Get the Romulans back online."

"Yes sir."

"Hey good looking," another pop-up message sprang onto the screen. "Do people make fun of your short little tentacles? Would you like to add an extra three feet so you can probe even deeper? Well with our new Artarian marsupial powder, just sprinkle a little into your nasal snort, and easily grow a few extra feet to impress all the transgender sub-species you try to subjugate. You know you want this. Resistance is futile. Assimilate to the big tentacles and poke around anywhere where your local red giant doesn't shine. Here's the Interstellar web site where-"

"Hmm," the captain said, rubbing his chin.

"Captain, I think I'm about to get the Romulans back on the screen."

"Wait, I want to get that address. "

"But captain!"

"Oh, never mind. Put Mr. Cranky back on."

"And finally, we demand that you send us one of your women for mind meld penetration and other interspecies investigations of the more intimate kind. You have thirty seconds to-"

"Agreed," Stockworth barked.

"What? You agree? Really?"

"Yes, and I know just the person to send," the captain said, rubbing his chin, looking at a very nervous Aurora.

"Well, this is different. Ok, this is great. This might lead to a long and lasting peace. And help us deal with these 50,000 cupcakes we've been consuming this past week. God, my tentacles have been erect non-stop for the last forty hours."

"Ooh, that sounds nasty," Stockworth commiserated. "I should send my doctor over."

"What?" his medical doctor barked from behind his comm chair. "I'm a doctor, not a veterinarian."

"What did he say?" barked the Romulan captain.

"Nothing. I'll beam over to your ship in a second and bring your subject. I want to check out your cupcakes."

"No problem, maybe we can make a deal. A few cases for a few dilithium crystals or something."

Jim Stockworth got up from his comm chair and motioned to Lieutenant Aurora to come with him. Her blue face suddenly went green.

The two got on the elevator and went down to the transporter deck. A few moments later they beamed out and were aboard the Romulan Warbird.

"Nice ship," Captain Stockworth said, looking around. "I really like what you did with the curtains on the Comm Deck. Nice touch."

"Yes, well sometimes we just need our privacy. Please follow me. We have your quarters ready."

When they go to the crew quarters, they were taken into a large conference room where dozens of Romulans stood around nervously, their tentacles pushing against their spandex trousers like they were really happy to see the earthlings, or there were several bunches of bananas down there.

"Ok Captain. You can drop your trousers and bend over this table," the Romulan captain said entering the room with two guards on either side of him. "The lieutenant can do the same over at that other table."

"Wait a minute!" Captain Stockworth barked back. "Why me? You said you wanted a female."

"Well, that was our third demand."

"Third?" the Captain cocked an eye and rubbed his chin.

"Yes," the Romulan Captain responded, pulling down his pants as a forty foot giant unwound around his legs. "Our second demand was a male of your species. Please bend over."

The two Romulan guards pointed their phasers at him, and he realized he was stunned by this news.

"What was the first demand?" he asked as he dropped his pants.

"Well, as I said in our communication to you. We have a... ah, a slight problem. And we need to find out which is the best gender of your species to relieve it with. The males or the females. Once we determine this during our little test here, you will turn over all the members of that gender of your crew for relief duty."

"And what do we get out of this?" Stockworth barked.

"Well, we don't blast you to kingdom come. You should have a good time. And we give you half of our cupcakes. Now bend over."

Damn, Stockworth thought as he assumed the position. He hoped Aurora didn't fuck this one up, or the doc was really going to be pissed.

***