My Story
Bill Keller, the executive editor of the New York Times looked around the room at the grim faces that stared back at him. Richard Berke, the national editor was shaking his head morosely.
"Rick, you need to suck it up. He may have bought the New York Times, but Murdoch swore he would continue to grant us editorial freedom, and that his only... contributions would be to tighten the ship, make us more profitable. There's nothing wrong with that. We are a business after all, in the business of providing unbiased and accurate news to our readers, all the news that's fit to print. We're going to continue doing that, at no cost to our journalistic integrity."
Rick just continued shaking his head. "I'll believe that when the Palestinians and the Israelis sign a peace accord. I'll believe it when the Chinese grant independence to Tibet. I'll believe it when Congress passes a unanimous declaration supporting the science behind global warming."
Suzanne Daley snorted. "I may have been an idealistic fool and thought the first two could happen in my lifetime. But the third one, forget it. Not going to happen."
"Well, he's going to be here in a few minutes, so let's not be hostile," Bill added. "Let's just be polite and listen to him, hear him out. Whatever he says or does, implicitly or with his subtle behind the scenes maneuvering, we can still be the defiant voice of the liberal elite, even if we are owned by the Rupert Murdoch empire. Remember, all it takes is a couple of X-wing fighters to take out the Empire's Death Star."
Everyone stared back at him with blank faces except the chief film critic.
"That's a reference to an iconic scene in the 1975 film Star Wars that had references to freedom fighters single handedly toppling an evil empire symblematic of the Soviet Empire and Communism in general.
Suddenly twelve heads gave comprehending nods.
And just then the doors to the conference burst open, and the little Australian mogul Rupert Murdoch came bursting in followed by an entourage of men and women who no one could quite identify.
"Morning."
Bill Keller stood up to-
"Sit down. I know you're all happy to see me. You should be. I just bailed your butts out of 230 million dollars of debt. What the hell were you people thinking? Just giving away free bird cage liners? Paper doesn't grow on trees you know. Ok, so what'cha got for today?"
Bill hadn't moved. "Um, I'm sorry, are you asking about tomorrow's print edition? We don't usually convene the news review until 2 pm. The morning review and assignments went out at 8 am."
"Twice a day? How about your web services? Can't tell me they only review twice a day."
"No, that's a separate division. They borrow our articles, but they use their own live wire and the AP."
"AP, schmay pee. You are the fucking New York Times. You got reporters all over the fucking world. You don't need to have the AP feed you news. We're going to become bigger than the AP. We will be the NYT! That's our new name, by the way. NYT! Like it? I thought of it on the way over here."
The other editors nodded their heads in varying levels of agreement.
"Ok, so we're going to merge the web division with the print division. Fire all the redundant workers, and gear up for 24/7 news. So, per this morning's meeting, what'cha got?"
Bill was at a loss for words. Measured and careful, always checking his facts twice, three times, he only spoke when he was 100% positive. "Um, I don't have my notes with me right now, they're back in the editor's conference room."
"From now on, you carry them with you all the time. So, who's got US News?"
Rick raised his hand slightly.
"So, what'cha got?"
"Uh, President Obama is meeting with the Democratic leadership on whether to try to pass the Health bill using a simple majority and what repercussions that might have."
Murdoch stared hard at the man. "That's it? Page 3. Page 1, in case you haven't noticed, Ellen Degeneres is causing all hell on American Idol. The male dominance is ending cause this pretty girl dyke is upsetting the balance. I want a story on her secret agenda. You all are liberals, right? So you got the inside goods with her. Have her tell her story how gay people are going to take over America. It's a liberal thing, right? Put it in a positive light. Include pie charts and graphics, maybe a nice pic of Katy Perry tonguing it out with Lady Gaga or some girl she likes. Remember how Britney and Madonna smooched? Get me that pic, pronto.
Ok, International news, what'cha got?"
Suzanne stood up. "The Greek monetary crisis is causing the EU to consider new broad measures for fiscal austerity in Greece."
Now it was Murdoch's turn to stare with his jaw agape. "That's it?"
"Oh, and the Greeks are rioting like crazy."
"That's my girl! You get it! Get some good pics of burning cars or whatever mayhem. You can have a whole page inside, but limit it to a paragraph on the cover, as long as you get a top pic. Something gruesome. Bloodied policeman is always top notch. So what we got for local interest?"
Bob Mathis, editor of the city desk, stood up. "The Hassidic community is reeling from the mumps infections spreading through their children. I have two investigative reporters out in the streets interviewing school administrators, public health officials, and Jewish community leaders, both orthodox and progressive."
"Hassidic? Ain't they the guys with the black beards and black hats that dance together at weddings? Ok, I like this angle. Jews are the carriers of the mumps. But 'mumps' is so lame. Find a code like H1N1, it sounds way more ominous. And get me some pics of men dancing together at a Jewish wedding. Put it under the Katy Perry smooch pics, and we got us a sold out edition. Gentleman, and lady, we are going to rock and roll!"
Bill Keller finally sat back down again. All the news that's fit to print...
***
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