The Pope Says He's Sorry

The Real Story

"Pope Benedict XVI said Saturday he is "truly sorry" for the abuse suffered by victims at the hands of Catholic priests in Ireland."

My Story

"I am so impressed. You are truly the man!" Marbas said to the boss, casually walking over to the bar and pouring himself some cognac from the decanter.

The boss lifted an eyebrow at his minion taking liberty to have a drink univited, but decided to hold his tongue. He really was chuckling inside at his great success, and he could deal with Marbas in some other subtle way later. He was especially good at that. Even though he had many working for him, he loved to make their lives hell sometimes, if for no other reason than for the sheer fun of it.

Marbas picked up the paper. "Did you love what the Pope said in his letter? What he said about the Catholic religious in Ireland?"

He began to read aloud Pope Benedict's words.

""You betrayed the trust that was placed in you by innocent young people and their parents, and you must answer for it before Almighty God and before properly constituted tribunals. You have forfeited the esteem of the people of Ireland and brought shame and dishonor upon your confreres. Together with the immense harm done to victims, great damage has been done to the church and to the public perception of the priesthood and religious life."

"Is that awesome or what?"

The boss actually chuckled. He hadn't done that in awhile. The one who was an expert at gnashing his teeth was actually winning for a change. "Yes, quite nice. I especially loved the line about "properly constituted tribunals." Ah, remember Marbas in the old days they'd have lynch mobs? That might get me a few dozen converts, but nothing works like the national media attention drawn out trials get. This is so much better."

"Damn boss, after this is done, ain't nobody gonna belong to or believe in the Catholic Church no more."

"Yes. life is good, life is very good." He watched Malbas down another glass. "Malbas, before you drink all of my cognac, pour me a glass, will you?"

"Oh, uh, sure boss. Right away. No that was brilliant of you. Operation Peddle-a-Priest really was a rousing success. By getting the Catholics to insist priests must be celibate, and we all know how human nature works, the priesthood got filled with sexually frustrated horny guys. Now no one trusts them! You were a genius. Say, how did you get them to insist they had to be celibate?"

"Well Marbas, it took awhile. You know all of Jesus' disciples were married men. Even in the first century they allowed women to preside over their eucharistic meals. But then in the second century, I started whispering to them that a person couldn't be perfect and married, even though most priests were married. Their pride at being perfect began to creep in. Then at the Council of Elvira I got them to pass a rule, no sex the night before mass. That made them cranky. Then in 325 I convinced them no man can marry after he becomes a priest. That only affected a small handful, but it was a beginning.

Next at the Council of Laodicea in 352 I formed a caucus that passed the rule that women couldn't be priests any longer. The whole monthly bleeding period thing was a perfect ruse. Such imbeciles. Then in 385 I got Pope Siricus to leave his wife, and then he decreed priests could no longer have sex with their wives. That was a hoot! All I did was supply him with 70 virgins for his special oblations. You know, another group picked up on that, but that's another story.

Then by total serendipity, something I had nothing to do with, St. Augustine in 401 declared that “Nothing is so powerful in drawing the spirit of a man downwards as the caresses of a woman.” I had nothing to do with that, but it was so perfect! They were on a path to self destruction.

Then in 590 I got Pope Gregory “the Great” (that's what I called him) to say that all sexual desire is sinful in itself. People started believing that sexual desire was intrinsically evil. After that it was easy. Sex became dirty, and desired.

Oh, I had some setbacks. That report from the Council of Aix-la-Chapelle in 836 openly admitted that abortions and infanticide took place in convents and monasteries to cover up activities of uncelibate clerics. And St. Ulrich argued from scripture and common sense that the only way to purify the church from the worst excesses of celibacy was to permit priests to marry. And they did start to marry again.

And then finally in 1563 the Council of Trent stated that celibacy and virginity were superior to marriage. You know I helped write that decree. But that was the nail in the coffin.

And it took another 450 years, but it finally has caused the Catholic Church to begin to collapse. And finally, good riddance!"

"That is so awesome boss," Marbas said, finishing off the last of the cognac. The boss noticed. Marbas would burn in hell for that he decided. But later. For now he was enjoying the ass kissing. In fact, a quickie blow job wouldn't be bad right now.

"And you know what boss?" Marbas said, "In the old days the Church would have blamed the devil for this, and people would have believed them! But, no one believes in you anymore! Instead they blame themselves. It's brilliant!"

"Yes, yes it is if I say so myself. A job well done. Say, Marbas, could you come over here and do me a quick favor?"

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