"The lawyer for a Lebanese man sentenced to death in Saudi Arabia for witchcraft has appealed for international help to save him.
Ali Sabat was the host of a popular Lebanese TV show in which he predicted the future and gave advice.
He was arrested by religious police on sorcery charges while on a pilgrimage to Saudi Arabia in 2008."
My Story
Achmed, the Clerk to the Sharia Law District Court in South Riyadh, brought the morning's list of cases on the docket to the Mullah who sat at his judge's bench feet up reading the funnies in the morning paper.
"Achmed," the Mullah guffawed at a particularly outrageous cartoon. "Did you read Zippy and the Orthodox Jew this morning?"
"No Mullah," he responded, making proper obeisance by bowing down to his knees. As he straightened back up, he tried to avoid eye contact with his superior as was proper. "I barely got through the Sports pages when morning prayers were called and then I had to go wash the men's room. The Trans-Jordan camel races were yesterday, and the Saudi camel did very well."
"Yes, as he should have. Otherwise, the glue factory for him. Well anyway, Zippy is in the Holy City of Jerusalem and he pins a note on the wailing wall where the crazy bearded jews are knocking their heads against the stones in their silly rituals, and one of the crazy rabbis goes up to read the note, and it, get this, it says-"
A scream erupts from the back of the courtroom as a man is dragged in in chains while three policemen beat him brutally with canes.
"What?" the Mullah screams out. "Court doesn't begin until..." and he looks at the clock on the wall. "Oh, damn, court is in session. Satan must have nudged the minute hand forward. I'll tell you later, it's really funny. Bring him up to the bench. What do we have here?"
"Your exalted holy one," one of the policemen responds, "this man was caught with a bottle of alcohol."
"What! Alcohol is strictly prohibited under Islamic law!"
"But your Excellency," the prisoner pleaded through a bloodied face, "the drinking of alcohol made from grains is illegal. This was just rubbing alcohol which my doctor prescribed for my chafing skin. One cannot drink it. It is poisonous."
"Of course it is poisonous. All alcohol is poisonous to the soul, that's why the Koran prohibits it. Fifty lashes, and make him drink the bottle as a lesson. Take him away. So Achmed, what do we have today," he asked as the other people slowly filed into the courtroom and took their places.
The clerk handed him a sheath of papers.
The mullah looked them over and pulled one out of the pile. "God vs. Brigitte Bauer. Sounds like a heathen name" Is this Brigette here?
A woman with handcuffs was brought forward. Attending her were a man in a blue suit and another man in traditional habib.
"Your excellency," the man in the suit began in Arabic with a British accent. "Ms. Bauer is a British subject and I am here from the consulate to represent her as a subject of the British commonwealth."
"Ah, a foreign infidel. And what is this Ms. you refer to? She is either a married woman, a Mrs. or a whore, a Miss. What is this Ms. you speak of? Just another word for slut?"
"Your excellency," the man in the habib cut in.
"Who the hell are you? So which is it?" he addressed the consulate agent. "Wife or whore?"
"Careful, "the man in the white garb cut in. "It's a trick question. If she is a wife, she will be condemned for not covering her face. The correct answer is whore."
The consulate general was astonished, but a look of understanding crossed his face.
"Aw, who the hell are you? You just spoiled my fun with these damn foreigners. So, what did she do?" He looked at the papers. "Sat in the front seat of the taxi! She's a whore and a slut! Fifty lashes with a cane."
"But-" the consulate general exclaimed.
"Your excellency, if I may. The whore's father hired me to be her attorney and has advised me he wishes to uphold his family's honor, and has a note for you explaining so." The man in the white robe handed the Mullah an envelope. The mullah opened it and peeked inside.
"Oooh, nice. Very honorable, very honorable indeed. Sentence suspended for time already served in custody. Release the prisoner into this blue suited infidel's care, but put a scarf over her face. Move along. Next case."
The men left the courtroom quickly with the woman still in handcuffs. They knew better than to wait for him to change his mind. The mullah discretely placed the envelope in his robes.
"Which one should I do next Achmed?"
Achmed reached into the pile and pulled out another case.
"Well, we have this witchcraft case."
"Witchcraft? Ooh, that's a beheading. Bring her forward."
"A middle eastern man clearly not Saudi but in a blue pinstripe suite was brought forward, also in handcuffs.
"Who are you?" asked the mullah. "A male witch?"
"I am-"
"Eww, I can recognize from your accent your Syrian."
"No, I am Lebanese."
"Yes, whatever. At least you're Muslim I assume. Why so many foreigners today? So, what do you have to say for yourself before I turn you over to the executioner?"
"But- but your excellency, do I not get a trial?"
"This is a Sharia court. We don't need no steenkin trials. Ha ha, I saw a Humphrey Bogart movie where someone said something like that. Funny, no?"
"Yes, but I should be able to defend myself against these charges. How exactly is witchcraft defined in the law and how is it claimed that I practiced it?"
"I don't know, you're the one who was charged, you tell us what you did wrong."
"But, but-"
"Achmed, you can read better than me. What do the charging papers say?"
Achmed took a look and then finally read a passage, "Charged with witchcraft for making predictions. Only Allah the all mighty, the all powerful, blessed be his name, can see into the future. And they are all recorded in the Koran. Any man or woman who deigns to make predictions shall be considered a witch and shall be beheaded."
"Sounds pretty clear to me."
"But your Excellency, my predictions were just common sense. I am a TV news anchorman, and I simply saw what was going on in the news, and based on lessons we've learned from history, simply predicted what would happen if things didn't change."
"Sounds complicated to me. Like the incantation for a spell. Off with his head!"
"But please, I must protest! It's no different than me predicting that at the end of the day you will go home. If I've seen in the past that you've done it, and so I make the prediction that you will probably go home tonight as well. Is that sorcery?"
"How did you know I had planned to go home tonight? I could have gone to the hookah bar, or gone to see one of my other wives. You are a witch. Off with his head!"
Despite his protests, the man was dragged away.
"What's next."
"Ok, we have Akeem Mohammed."
"Now that's a nice Saudi name. What did he do?" he asked as another man in chains was brought up to the bench.
Another man ran up to the bench. "Your Excellency, he raped and molested my 11-year old daughter."
"And?"
"That's all. We were in negotiations for an arranged marriage, but while checking her out, he took her to another room and performed the deed."
"So, what's wrong with that? Even the prophet had a wife who was only nine years old. Let this man go. And don't let anyone tell me that this court is not just."
"But he had no intention of marrying my daughter. He just took advantage of her while we were doing our noon time prayers."
"What? He skipped noon time prayers? Five hundred lashes!"
"Five hundred!" the father exclaimed. "Your Excellency, I wanted justice, perhaps the amount of the dowry. But even I have to admit five hundred lashes is rather extreme. No man can survive five hundred lashes. That means death."
"My you're picky. One moment you're crying foul, the next too much of a good thing. Some people are never happy." And he waved the man away.
"So Achmed, the note said, 'But that's what she said!' Ha ha, get it? She said? The Orthodox Jews despise woman even more than we do. Wasn't that funny? Oh Achmed, you have no sense of humor."
***
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