"A quest that began over a decade ago with a chance observation has reached a milestone: the identification of a gene that may regulate regeneration in mammals. The absence of this single gene, called p21, confers a healing potential in mice long thought to have been lost through evolution and reserved for creatures like flatworms, sponges, and some species of salamander."
My Story
The news conference had been hastily set up at Drexel University. Months earlier, these scientists had announced that by removing a single gene, known as p21, mammals could regenerate lost tissue or limbs. After further intense clinical trials with small mammals such as mice and rats and amazing results, the FDA had approved the first clinical study on humans.
The first subject was a construction worker who had lost his arm when his shirt sleeve had snagged on a 18 inch high speed cutting blade and his arm had gotten dragged in and severed. The team of doctors who had initially made the discovery of removing the critical gene had offered Bobby McDaniel the chance of a lifetime to regrow his arm, since without it he had lost his job and livelihood.
Dr. Elly Blakely and Dr. Jasmine Katz had mapped the critical gene removal that they were certain would start Bobby on the path to regrowing his arm. It had been several weeks since the drug regimen had begun. Bobby, a balding, burly man in his mid forties had agreed to the test in hopes he could regrow his lost arm that he had been rather fond of. "I used to be able to pop open a PBR, chug it, crush the can in the same right hand, and then toss the flat 60 yards! Now I have to ask someone to open the can for me, like some left wing liberal ass kisser. It's so hard," an emotional Bobby shared with whoever would listen.
The news conference was perhaps a bit premature, some pundits surmised. All that the doctors expected was a tiny appendage barely the size of a newborn infants arm to appear when the bandages were removed. But these two scientists were looking for investment capital in their bio-engineering start-up, and showing even a partially formed arm actually growing would get national exposure and a spot on the nightly news.
Dr. Katz was a bit nervous, as she spoke to her colleague off camera. "Shouldn't we observe what it looks like first? What if it's misshapen or malformed? This could backfire just as easily as getting rave reviews."
"Nonsense," her partner admonished her, "this is no different than Geraldo Rivera getting national attention opening up Al Capone's safe. Even if it's nothing but some loose tissue, we can declare success and say, look! it's the beginnings of an arm! The investment capitalists will be falling all over each other trying to get a piece of the action."
Dr. Blakely approached the cameras. "Good afternoon. As you all know, our new firm of Dexter-Wishing Star has engaged in a new gene splicing experiment to regrow limbs. I'm not going to bore you with all of the background information, you've read our brochures that we passed out earlier. So as you know, Bobby McDaniel, come here Bobby," a shy man in hospital garb sauntered over to the camera and smiled his bucktooth smile. "Bobby here was our first brave volunteer, and we're going to remove the bandages and observe the first growth. Now please understand the growth will be minor at this point. We just want to remove the bandages and let it get some sunshine so it can start growing more rapidly, and Bobby can start learning how to use his new arm just like a baby would. But the growth is expected to be much more rapid than his original arm took to develop. We predict within six weeks it will reach its full size."
"And will I be able to chug and chuck again?" Bobby asked?
"We hope so Bobby. So Nurse, if you would do the honors and remove the bandages?
"Yup, I been feeling something moving around, like a newborn baby!"
"Let's hope so," Dr Blakely smiled, motioning to the cameras to come in closer.
A nurse walked over with scissors and slowly cut away the mummy like wrapping of his upper torso and shoulder. As the layers of gauze fell away, the camera crews zoomed in for the big revelation. What they saw next, no one expected.
As the last bandage fell away, what emerged was not a tiny infants arm with baby soft fingers, but a small... head!
A complete head with two eyes, ears, nose, mouth and a shock or red hair like on a newborn infant!
"What the hell is that?" screamed Bobby! "I'm a freak! What have you done to me?"
The doctors were speechless and moved in closer for a better look. Cameras flashed and lenses zoomed in for a close up.
"You're a freak? What the hell are you complaining about! My head is growing out of an arm socket! And it stinks down here! Haven't you ever heard of underarm deodarant?" a tiny voice shrieked from his shoulder.
"What the hell is this thing?" a distraught Bobby began to wail.
"I- I don't know. I don't have any idea how this could have happened," a shocked Doctor Katz said, staring closely at the small little head that didn't look much bigger than some voodoo doctors shrunken head. Yet amazingly, it had a resemblence to-
"What the hell you staring at! Didn't your mother ever teach you any manners and tell you not to stare? And close your damn mouth before a fly flies in there, and you know what happened to the old lady who swallowed a fly!"
Dr. Katz dutifully closed her mouth as instructed.
"I don't want a second head on me," Bobby cried. "Can't you cut it off or something?"
"Cut me off? How 'bout I cut your head off!" screamed the little head. "You're the ugly one here. At least I'm baby cute. And this time I'll get braces and spare the buck teeth! Whoa! I know what you're thinking! Doc, he wants to rip me off! Don't let him!"
"Um, wait Bobby," Dr Blakely advised. "We don't know what happened here, but removing it prematurely could be dangerous. Please, give us a moment to study what to do."
"Study! Hell, just like a bunch of woman drivers, you probably mapped the wrong gene! Don't do nothing except get this big yap to shut his trap. And say, anyone got a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon around here? I'm mighty thirsty," the little head said, looking around.
"You can't drink Pabst!" yelled Bobby. "I'm the one that drinks Pabst!"
"Fine, we'll both drink Pabst! And stop looking at that nurse's scissors, just go back to looking at her boobs like you were before."
"Huh? How'd you know..."
"I know everything you're thinking."
"But... but... hey, I know what you're thinking too! Doc this is crazy!" said Bobby, looking at Dr. Katz. "What should I do?"
"What you should do is go back to playing with your dingaling with your left arm like you were back in the hospital room a few minutes ago. Yeah, those hospital robes sure are easy access. Meanwhile, let me think of a way to get these two doctors to go to dinner later and maybe we can score some easy action tonight. After all, two tongues are better than one."
"Uh, ladies and gentlemen, that concludes this news conference, unfortunately we've had a slight setback and we need to study our patient further," Dr. Blakely said, ushering Bobby back toward the hospital hallway from which he had emerged. Jasmine, you talk to them, I'll take care of Bobby." And she literally pushed Bobby down the hallway while the newsmen gathered around Dr. Katz.
Dr. Blakely's entrepreneurial wheels were spinning. Perhaps this wasn't a setback after all. Ok, so they had mapped a wrong gene or two. But maybe, just maybe, two tongues were better than one.
***
SO funny. You did an excellent job. You're right too! Medicine sure can mess things up sometimes, and who knows what will happen when scientists start messing with genes more. Wow. Oh, and I saw your blog mentioned on Craigslist and came to check it out. Princesswordplay recommended you!
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