"Hello everyone, I'm Bob Coustas and welcome to another edition of ESPN 360 where we bring you sports from around the world. And today we have the 5,000th running of the world famous Tijuana to San Diego 1 mile run, the El Norte! Starting at Boulevard Canon Otay on the Mexican side of the border, our contestants have to climb, leap, crawl under or squeeze through the fence dividing the US from Mexico, then sprint out onto the dry desert like conditions of Pacific Gateway Park, and then make the one mile run to finally cross the symbolic finish line by crossing Otay Mesa Road, or as the locals call it, the 905.
Once they cross the 905 into San Diego proper, they win the prize of being able to hide in the streets of San Diego and have now become proud, newly arrived illegal Americans. But it's not that easy. To explain the challenge, here's my partner and color comentator Tom Erbanks. Tom, what have they got in store for them?"
"Well Bob, not only do they have the initial challenge of getting through the fence, but then waiting for them on the other side are the famous men and women of the US Border Patrol. Yes, these fine guys and gals from the Department of Homeland Security utilize the latest sophisticated tools to stop these contestants in their tracks, round em up, and send them back to the starting line."
"So, what chance have they got?"
"Well, it's purely by sheer numbers Bob. There are only so many Border Patrol guards. And though they have the latest equipment including ATV's, 4 wheel drive jeeps and hummers, night vision goggles, and even bring along their own K-9 dogs, the Mexicans have sheer numbers. There's no way they can all be stopped. And to the fastest and craftiest runners go the spoils. Oh my god! And they're off! They didn't even wait for the starting gun."
"Is it a false start Tom?"
"No, not at all. In the El Norte it's totally legal to start before sundown. Sometimes it's the sheer pressure of humanity that just pushes people over the starting line, and once one person goes, they all start to go. And look at them go!"
"Yes, out front we have some real sprinters. Look at those short legs go! Oh no, oh no! They just got hauled in by a Jeep with three guards who lassoed them from behind! Is that a legal move Tom?"
"Sure is Bob. Those sprinters who set the pace sure look good, but those are the ones the Border Patrol crack guards target first. They just stand out and are easy to spot up on defense."
"Okay, down on the field we have Cindy Margolis, and she's going to talk to one of the contestants who's just been snatched up. Cindy?"
"Yes Bob. I have with me here 28-time contestant Rodrigo Zaragoza. Rodrigo, you were doing so well. What happened?"
"I do not knaw. I waz running along thee left side and thee Poliziai drove over my fut wit hees vehicle. I fall down and he jump on top and tie me up like a steer."
"You must be disappointed, you were doing so well."
"Si, my familia is already in San Francisco and my wife ees sick and I need to be wit her and watch thee cheeldren, but not thees nite. But now my foot hurt too."
"Well, have a doctor check that foot out and good luck next time."
"But we don't have socialized medicine like Caneeda, and I can't-"
"Back to you Bob."
"Thank-you Cindy. Meanwhile we've got about two hundred contestants making their way over a bluff to the west side of the grounds and many have gotten past the border guards. Just like you said Tom, there just aren't enough border guards to handle them all."
"Yes, but notice they're suddenly veering to the left. They've just run into stage 2."
"What's that Tom?"
"Well Bob, we have private citizens who come out to help for both fun and exercise. Some belong to the Minutemen organization, some are varsity athletes from nearby San Ysidro High School practicing their tackling skills, and some are members of the local YMCA Jazzercise class."
"Oh my! Look at that! Using a rope, they just tripped up two dozen runners, including what looks like women and children!"
"Yes Bob, and those if I'm not mistaken are the Tea Baggers. They're a recent addition to this race event and they claim they're concerned the new Health Care legislation the President Obama signed will let these contestants get free health care. Of course nothing could be further from the truth, but that's not letting them stop from having some fun."
"Oh my God, someone just got run over by a Humvee! And it's not looking good. He's not moving. Let's get in for a closer look. No, he's down for the count. Well the Humvee is moving on, I guess that contestant isn't going anywhere soon."
"Right Bob, why waste time with someone who's 100% out. There's so many more people to catch."
"Yes Cindy, you have another interview?"
"Yes Tom, I have with me Padre John Cassavetes of the Trinity Fellowship Christian Church. Padre Cassavetes, what do you think of the race so far?"
"I- I think it's horrible. These poor people are trying to find a new life, but they're being treated so horribly and accorded no dignity or respect. My organization is here to give sanctuary to any that can make it but my God, this is horrible. These Minutemen and Tea Baggers are beating them with sticks and threatening them with guns and-"
"I'm sorry we just lost that interview, we're unfortunately having technical difficulties. So Tom, what's the record here?"
"Well Bob, the 4 minute mile is the time to beat, and we're having our first contestants just now reaching the 905. It's an unwritten rule. You make it past the 905 and you win. And here comes our first contestant, and he runs across the highway and oh no! He just got hit by a semi! What a huge disappointment! To make it this far and get stopped at the goal line. Ok, here's the next person, and he does dodge the traffic and makes it across. Cindy, are you there?"
"Yes Tom. With me is- I'm sorry, what is your name?"
"Akeem."
"Akeem? That doesn't sound very-"
"Akeem Rosarita. I'm from southern Mexico."
"Oh, okay, well congratulations Akeem. How was the run?"
"It was good, but tiring, praise Allah. But I can't talk, gotta run. Good-bye."
"Well there you have it, our top finisher was Akeem Rosarita. An unusual name, but he said he was from sourthern Mexico."
"Ok Cindy, we're going to take a commercial break and return with some of the highlights of this landmark 5,000th running of the San Diego El Norte!"
***
Heh.
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