"He said: "I hope the beginning of what is referred to as indirect or proximity talks, I hope it is a vehicle, a vehicle by which we can begin to allay that layer of mistrust that has built up in the last several years," Biden said as he went into a meeting with President Shimon Peres."
My Story
"Special Envoy Sandstone," the Palestinian ambassador began, slowly stroking his beard. "We are very pleased that that the government of the great United States of America is willing to help facilitate these negotiations with the Zionist imperial dogs, but frankly, even though we are not having these discussions with them face to face directly, even knowing that I am speaking them to them through you makes my blood boil, and turns my yogurt more sour than it already is."
Truman Sandstone, special Middle East envoy to the Palestinian/Israeli Peace talks could only smile. "Ambassador Muqtadi, the purpose of this exercise is to begin a dialogue between the two parties, and we realize tensions are still high over many causes, but we must begin the dialogue somewhere, somehow, or peace will never be achieved. Our president feels that even indirect talks are a step forward, until the day both parties can meet directly. By allowing us to mediate, we hope the framework for progress can be laid out." He couldn't help but think what he would look like in a beard.
"I truly appreciate what your great President, Barack Obama is proposing. He is a man of great vision. But these Jewish pigs are boot licking scum. They murder our women and children, they shoot at defenseless citizens. They steal our land, destroy our vineyards and olive groves. There is no negotiating with them." He sipped on the complimentary wine placed in front of him.
"Sir, please, we must try. If not for today, then for future generations." He decided to have some of the wine himself. Hmm, Manischevitz.
"Fine, I will swallow my bile and at least give this process a chance,: the Palestinian ambassador said slamming his empty wine glass on the conference table top. "The Palestinian people will not be blamed for this failure. We will have tried." He took the bottle after Sandstone was finished pouring and refilled his glass as well.
"Thank-you," the special envoy said, opening the folder with the document he had brought with him. "During the last discussions, you have us a list of-"
"We have a new list of demands." He slid a paper across the table to the American envoy, and went back to sipping.
Sandstone was startled stopped and picked up the paper and read it. "1. Tear down the wall. Build another one if they like, but on the pre-1967 borders.
2. Remove all checkpoints from inside the occupied lands.
3. Cease the naval embargo of Gaza.
4. Allow flights into Gaza international airport.
5. Order Egypt to stop the embargo of food and goods moving through Gaza.
6. Stop building all new settlements in the West Bank.
7. Allow the building of government offices in East Jerusalem as the capital of the new Palestinian State.
8. Recognize the new Palestinian State. It can be an autonomous entity of Israel until such a time in the future when the area will vote for self-determination, no later than January of 2020.
9. $ 100 billion dollars in reparations.
Hmm, I'm not sure if this is very productive. We had started a framework in Oslo that we would-"
"What! What I ask you Mr. Ambassador, or Special Envoy, or whatever title they have given you, is not reasonable in those requests? Name one?" and he emptied his wine glass.
Sandford put down his reading glasses, and handed his glass to the ambassador to be refilled. Muqtadi motioned his aide to uncork another bottle.
"They are reasonable, but not practical. The... " He stopped, took another sip of his wine. This was great wine. He was always drinking those dry French wines, but this stuff was smooth on the tongue. The Palestinian watched him with one eye, the other on his own wine glass.
Finally Sandford let out a big sigh. "You know, you're right. This isn't going to go anywhere unless we try something different. As we say in America, we're going to have to take the bull by the balls. Let me just take this into the other room and present it to the Israelis. Let them answer you." And he stood up and left the room and went next door where the Israeli delegation was waiting.
"Good afternoon," the Israeli ambassador greeted Sandford as he entered the room. "As happy as I am to see you-"
"Zip it. I'm just not in the mood. Here's their list. What do you think?"
The Israeli ambassador was taken aback, but he took the proffered paper and began to read it. On a few of the lines he chuckled. Finally, he uttered, "No, no, no, nine times no."
"Not a single one?" Sandford asked with a raised eyebrow?
"Are you kidding?" The Israeli looked at the paper again. "1. Tear down the wall? Do they realize how much that wall cost to build? And has it not stopped all of the suicide bombings?"
"But not the rocket attacks."
"Yes, there is that. Hmm, 2. Remove all checkpoints from inside the occupied lands.. Those are for protection of the settlers. If we remove the settlers, we'll remove the checkpoints. But they're not going anywhere. 3. Remove the naval embargo of Gaza. Hah! That's how they smuggle guns and rockets in now. 4. Allow flights into Gaza international airport. Why don't they just rename it Al Qaeda International if we do that. 5. Order Egypt to stop the embargo of food and goods moving through Gaza. We have no control of Egypt. They are a sovereign country," and then he snickered along with his staff.
"6. Stop building all new settlements in the West Bank. Sure, we can do that one, as long as we can finish all the permits that were already approved. 7. Allow the building of government offices in East Jerusalem as the capital of the new Palestinian State. Only on the site of the city dump. But then they have to find a new place to put the trash. 8. Recognize the new Palestinian State. Not until they stop all hostilities against us. 9. $ 100 billion dollars in reparations. Biggest hah! of all. We don't have $100 billion dollars, unless you Americans are willing to lend it to us."
"We can," Sandford replied.
The Israeli ambassador looked up with surprised eyes. Really? Well then go tell them we agree to number 9 if they agree to stop all their bullshit hostilities."
Sandford noticed that the Israelis also had moist wineglasses on the table. "Pour yourself another, I won't be long." And he got up and walked back to the other room.
The Palestinian ambassador eyed him warily as he worked on his third bottle. "Well, I am guessing they said no to all nine points."
"No, they agreed to Number 9, if you agree to stop all violence, including suicide attacks and missile launchings."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"How about 1 - 5 and five hundred billion?"
"You're willing to negotiate? Good, Maybe we can get somewhere with this." Sandford took a swig out of his glass which was full again, and left the room heading back to the adjoining room with the Israeli delegation.
"They asked for 1 - 5 and five hundred billion."
"Five hundred billion? With our tiny economy where will ever get that kind of money?"
"We'll 'lend' it to you. Take forever to pay it back."
"Ok, now you're talking. Let me see that list again. 1 is the wall. That'll cost 100 billion to rebuild."
"We'll pay for it."
"Ok. But the settlements is a tricky issue. We need to put them somewhere. Can we have a hundred billion for that?"
"Sure."
"You Americans are amazing. Where do you get all this money?"
"Our Federal Reserve. They work magic with money. Sometimes I think they just print it."
"But," the Israeli mused, motioning to his aide to open yet another bottle of wine, "isn't that illegal or unethical or something? I wish our bankers could do the same."
"Funny thing, I think half of the bankers and regulators at the Federal Reserve are Jewish, so you should tap into their expertise."
"Ah, yes," he said, relishing yet another glass of wine.
Sandstone decided to have a few more sips as well. It really was good stuff. "So you agree? Well, back to the Palestinians."
"Yes, I will keep vigilance over this fine wine while you do all the talking with those crazy people."
Sandstone returned to the Palestinian room where the negotiators where giving a good rendition of the Palestinian National Anthem.
"Sandstone, have a glass! What do the Israeli dogs say?" he asked with a wine glass in each hand.
"They've agreed to all your terms. But as for your government buildings, they insist you build them here," and he pointed to the spot on a map rolled out on the table.
Muqtadi stared for a moment. "That's a trash dump. The insolent dogs! How dare they-"
"Well cover your construction costs with $200 million dollars."
"Agreed. We'll call it redevelopment."
"So we have peace?"
"We have peace! Let's drink! A toast to America and to peace!"
Five rounds later, Sandstone stumbled back into the Israeli room.
"Well?" asked the Israeli ambassador, with a face as red as the wine glass he was holding.
"They agree."
"Peas!"
"Yes, whirled peas in our lifetime!" Sandstone said, palms on the table top to keep himself steady.
"A toast! To peash!"
"To peash!" everyone in the room shouted.
The hardest part was getting everyone to stagger into the main conference room in front of the cameras and media, sit down at the table, sign the documents, without falling over. But for four cases of wine and 700 billion dollars and some change, there was finally peace in our lifetime, peace at last in the middle east. And five more rounds of toasts to seal it.
***
Ah, farce. You're getting better at these.
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