Wednesday, March 17, 2010

No News

The Real Story

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My Story

A very odd thing occurred today. Nothing happened. News outlets around the world were at a loss for words to describe this strange turn of events. For the first time in memory the news ticker from the Associated Press stood still. Some newspapers cheated and reprinted stories from yesterday, but then later recanted admitting that they were recycling old material. The blogosphere was hard hit as well, with pundits perplexed at what to comment on, but ended up filling their quotas by waxing poetic on common day to day topics such as hangnails and what's it called when your nose gets all tingly and you have to sneeze? C'mon, there has to be a word for it, but even Google was unable to help.

Speaking of Google, many people commented on previous reports that Google would be pulling out of China. After the hacking attacks and Google's dislike of the Chinese Government censorship requirements, the Chinese portion of the World Wide Web search engine would go dark. There would be nothing there if you tried to Google it. What would happen to someone in China who typed in http://google.com? Would it be a 404 page not found? Calls to Google and Chinese government sources for comments were not answered.

In Europe, yesterday's news mentioned that the Large Hadron Collider may be shut down again for a year. So no new conspiracy or dooms day theories were coming out of there. In all honesty, news reporters were flummoxed at the dearth of news.

Of course this didn't stop the commentaries. Fox news' many analysts felt the non-news day was a reflection of the lack of leadership in the Obama administration, and that the Democratic majority in Congress couldn't get anything done. MSNBC for it's part blamed the lack of cooperation on the Republicans gridlocking everything in Congress, and did describe the dress Michelle Obama wore when seen in the Rose Garden having breakfast with her husband (emerald green).

CNN reported it was St. Patrick's Day, but most reporters had covered every conceivable angle about green beer and the wearing of the green. The revelry wouldn't begin until later in the day, so reports of drunk driving accidents and arrests had not yet trickled in.

The NCAA March Madness tournament would not begin until tomorrow, so nothing much to talk about in sports. The weather was nice and sunny, and even that was a boring subject when everything was nice. With good weather, there were no traffic delays or cancelled flights.

On the world scene, no earthquakes or tsunami's. The Israeli's had made no embarrassing announcements and no truck bombs had blown up anywhere in the world today. It was just an incredibly slow news day.

Then as the day progressed, a rumor did sweep the Internet, going absolutely hog wild viral, that Bobbie Sandusky had asked that hot girl Lizzie Beckham to the Liberty High school prom. And though hordes of reporters had descended on the school to confirm the report, in the end, when cornered, Bobbie simply said, "No comment."

Lizzie's response was, "Really? He did? I didn't hear anything. I mean let me check my text messages again 'cause I didn't see anything. Cause that would be so hot, y'know what I mean? I saw this dress with a really low cut neckline that was so hot but my Mom would kill me if I wore it. Ya know I could put on another dress then change when I got to Tyra's house before we go to the prom. Hey, you're not going to print this, are you?"


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