Whale Wars

Today's News Flash Fiction - Saturday, February 6, 2010

"SYDNEY — The anti-whaling ship the Bob Barker and a Japanese harpoon boat collided in the icy waters off Antarctica on Saturday — the second major clash this year in the increasingly aggressive confrontations between the two sides. "

The story

Call me Ishi Ma. Some years ago, I join Japanese Company to research and study whales. For many years Japanese people hunt and catch whales, great source of food, blubber, and sushi. I just graduated from the University of Kobe Maritime School of Tuna Processing when a friend tell me of special program for hunting big fish. United Nations had banned whale hunting - stupid UN. But now we allowed to catch a few... hundred... thousand. So I apply for job, and my uncle Takahara Mishimi pull some strings and I get job. I so happy.

After week of training, we set sail for South Pacific. I real happy, bring Bermuda shorts and sun tan lotion. At first, very pleasant cruise. But we keep going south, WAY south. Antartica friggin cold south... it okay to say friggin in blog?

We sail for many weeks. Not find any big fish. I see tuna, but not allowed to catch them. Not bring any bait or line or hooks or sinkers either.

We see icebergs and penguins, but no big fish. Finally, after many weeks, I down in crew quarters watching anime videos for thirty-fourth time, when alarm goes off. Yippee I say, finally we hunt, I mean we get chance to research big fish.

We go on deck in parkas and I panty hose since I forget to bring long johns. Work very well. But when I get on deck, I no see big fish, but another boat. Captain say it is Greenpeace - Bob Barker. I say who what? Bob Barker game show host. He say yes, he give money to Greenpeace to buy boat to chase whaling ships. They name it Bob Barker. I say no way, I never watch Make A Deal ever again. He say it ok, Bob Barker no longer on show. I say good deal.

Captain say battle stations, prepare to ram intruder. I say is that legal? He say, big waves, we call it unavoidable heavy sea condition collision. Smart captain.

As Bob gets close to us, Captain suddenly turn steering wheel, and we sidescrape Bob Barker. Remove his sideburns. Or like a samurai shaving butt hairs with his katana blade. Nasty scrape. Leave red marks and make horrible noise.

Crew cheers as we veer away! Not sink Bob Barker, but leave nasty scratch in hull! Banzai! Banzai! Banzai! We turn further south into rough weather to get away from imperial dogs. Soon hit heavy fog and hide from Greenpeace boats. Anyone who put mayonaisse on tuna deserve to sink to bottom of Davy Jones locker.

But while in fog, ship begin to list heavily to right. Turn out we scratched a hole in our hull too, but below water line. We sink so fast, I not even get chance to stand on bridge like Titanic and say I king of the world.

I sit here with my laptop and satellite wifi on this small iceberg. It get smaller everyday as we drift north to south pacific. Circling my iceberg are big fish. I study them. There be big sharks too, but they glide by us as if with padlocks on their mouths. Not my words, I read that once in a whale book. Meanwhile, my life raft boat be nearby too, but upside down. The hull still filled with air and buoyant, but everyone else I think freeze to death, or maybe that why sharks no longer hungry. A little while ago I see some big whales go by, spraying through their tops and look like they making fun of me. It okay. Bob Barker get last laugh, cause I pick wrong door.

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