"Obesity in children may pave the way to an early grave, a new study in the New England Journal of Medicine finds. The study, published Wednesday, followed nearly 5,000 American Indian children from childhood to middle age and found that those who were obese as children were more than twice as likely to die from disease before the age of 55."
"And now for some Health news. A new study by the New England Journal of Medicine gives some sobering news about obese children. We have with us Dr. Charles Ricardo, a Pediatrician from Hoboken, New Jersey to give us an expert analysis on the report. Dr. Ricardo, welcome to the show."
"Glad to be here. Nice tie."
"Thank-you. Dr. Ricardo, the report states that obese children are twice as likely to die by age 55. Why is that?"
"Well, it doesn't take a rocket scientist. They're way bigger, so of course they are in trouble."
"Explain that further if you will."
"Well, look how huge they are. So in a driveby shooting say in Hoboken, a fat kid is more likely to get hit than a skinny kid. They present a bigger target."
"Really, is that what-"
"And say they go ice skating on the Hoboken river in winter. With all the chemical waste in the river, it doesn't really totally freeze. I'm guessing there's a lot of dumped anti-freeze in there. Fat kids are more likely to break through the ice than skinny kids, since they're heavier. And they're harder to pull out. End of story."
"I'm... surprised. I thought the report spoke more to-"
"And if a fat kid is in a car, and it's in a head on collision, you know the fatty is gonna get caught in the wreckage and die in the explosion of the fuel tank, while it's the skinny kid that's gonna wiggle out. Same thing happened in the Haiti earthquake, all the kids that were saved were skinny kids. The fat kids got crushed cause they couldn't run fast enough to get out of the way of the falling ceilings."
"Dr. Ricardo."
"Yes?"
"Did you read the report?"
"And if a fat kid is on a bike, he's probably not going to wear a safety helmet cause he can't find one to fit his fat head. Then when he gets hit by a truck, cause he's so wide, two problems there, he's way more likely to die than the skinny kid cause he's got an unprotected head. Plus, they can throw the skinny kid on the helicopter and get him to shock trauma right away. But the fat kid is too heavy, so they gotta take him by ambulance, if they can even fit him in the gurney, and then he gets caught in rush hour traffic on the Garden State Parkway."
"Dr. Ricardo, the report studied Pima Indians, not kids in Hoboken, New Jersey. I understand your desire to speak to anecdotal evidence, but we were hoping for your views on what the report identified, high BMI, blood cholesterol, and blood glucose levels as contributing factors."
"Yeah, they probably do need their parents to buy a high end BMI, cause they can't fit their big tushes into the back of a Ford Fusion, that's for sure. And now airlines are requiring them to buy two tickets for two seats. You don't think there may have been a fat kid too many on that plane that ditched into the Hudson? Betcha there was."
"Ok, I see. Well thank-you Dr. Ricardo for your opinion. And now turning to other news-"
"And they're more likely to die from choking like when they stuff an entire twinkie down their throats. You don't see a skinny kid trying that."
"Thank-you Dr. Ricardo. You may go now."
"No problem, any time. Say, I do nip and tucks too. If you want to get rid of that double chin, set up an appointment with my receptionist Rose. She's a doll."
"In other news, a woman with a fake left breast from reconstructive surgery was stopped by TSA at Newark International Airport which has started using the new Cylindrical Full Body Scanner, also known as the Millimeter Wave."
"Did she have more than 3 ounces of gel? That would do it."
"Would someone please get him out of here?"
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