"ISLAMABAD, Pakistan - The Taliban's top military commander has been arrested in a joint CIA-Pakistani operation in Pakistan, officials said Tuesday.
Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar, the No. 2 behind Afghan Taliban founder Mullah Mohammad Omar and a close associate of Osama bin Laden, was captured in the southern Pakistani port city of Karachi, two Pakistani intelligence officers and a senior U.S. official said. They spoke on condition of anonymity."
My Story
"Yousef, wake up, I have terrible news!" Yousef felt himself being violently shaken.
"Wha- why are you waking me up? It's not time for prayers yet, is it?" He shook his head to clear the cobwebs.
"No, it's 3 am."
"Then get the hell out of here. I was having the mother of all dreams, ninety virgins at once!."
"No, seriously, a horrible thing has happened. You must get up now."
"The Predators don't fly at night, so leave me alone. Besides, this cave is supposed to be able to withstand a 500 lb. bomb, and Predators don't carry anything that big." He turned his head back into the sheepskin cover that had been keeping him warm in this Afghan winter.
"It's Abdul."
"What, he's a prick. Why are you bothering me about him?" Yousef buried his head even deeper into the sheepskin.
"The Pakistani Intelligence forces captured him."
"Good for them," his muffled voice responded. "Nice high value target. He'll scream like a baby on the waterboarding table. Now they'll leave us alone and we can get back to unloading all those poppies that were harvested. I'm going back to sleep."
"No, listen! Abdul was the current #2 man."
Yousef couldn't take this interruption anymore. It was like someone walking in on him and his favorite sheep. He sat up and stared at his fellow Jihadist. "Fine, lucky him. Americans love catching the number 2 man. It makes them feel good, like they actually caught someone important. In a few months, they'll catch his replacement. Now stop bothering me already."
"Yousef, you don't understand. On the bulletin board-"
Yousef's eyes widened into saucers. "What!! Did the prick assign me to a truck suicide bombing before he got caught? That son-of-a-camel humper, I'll just demand they validate his signature. Since he's no longer around, it'll be declared null and void."
"No, it's worse than that. You've been promoted. To Number 2 in the Taliban!"
Yousef sat up with a jolt and hit his head on the rocky ledge above him. "What? Why? What did I do? That's not fair. I've been a faithful mujahadeen! I shoot girls trying to go to school! I recruit young boys at the Madras as suicide bombers. I beat men with my rifle butt in the face who dare to go beardless or trim their beards. Any woman not wearing a burqa I round up for raping since such whores deserve to be raped. Not my fault those damn robes keep getting snagged and pulled off by the bayonet of my AK-47. You know what I say, show your face and you deserve disgrace. Though I wish I could pick out the pretty ones better. That one the other day was uglier than a camel's behind, and I tell you, I've seem many a behind from up close. No, there must be a mistake. No way I could be #2."
"Inshallah."
"Inshallah my ass."
"Yousef! That's blasphemy!"
"Blasphemy, smashphemy. Someone in the front cave fucked up. I'm not taking this sitting down. I don't care how many fingers I have to chop off or fornicators I have to root out so I can behead them, I'll prove I do not deserve to be #2."
"But Yousef, they think it's a great honor to be #2."
"Great honor my jackal's ass. That's nothing but an a titular position which also means you're the next person the CIA operatives are going to sodomize. Where's Mullah Omar? I am going to talk to him right now."
"He's outside over by the water well."
"I'll give him a piece of my mind. I know the Koran forward and backward, and no one can dispute I have not been the most faithful disciple. I'm no Caliph Ali, that's for sure."
Yousef walked out into the bright early morning sun where he was temporarily blinded. "What the, it's not 3 am. What's going on-"
ZHHHHIISSSSSSSHHHHHHH BLAMMMMMMMMMMM!
Those back in the cave were beside themselves with laughter, rolling on the floor and slapping their thighs. "Did you see the look on his face when the Predator zoomed in?"
"That was precious. I've got to hand it to the heathens, they sure can fire those Hellfire's. I haven't laughed so hard in years."
"Well, that should get the Pakistanis and Americans off our backs for a while. Two #2's on Tuesday. What a deal."
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