Sarah Palin's Palm Pilot

Today's News Flash Fiction - Monday February 8, 2010

"We have all had occasion to write on our hand, either because no paper was available or because we knew we'd probably forget the bit of paper along with the thing we'd written on it (although if your memory's in that sort of shape, you probably won't be able to find a pen).

There is a big difference, however, between scrawling "bin liners" on the back of your hand before you go to the shops and reading off your palm on television, as Sarah Palin did during the Tea Party Convention at the weekend. Photographs of her speaking show one hand clearly decorated with crib notes."

The story


"Ok Guys, next speaker is Sarah Palin, she's gonna get a lot of national face time. So let's do a good job here."

"Roger that Larry. I love her. I think she's hot," Jeff's voice crackled over the headphone speakers.

Larry rolled his eyes. "Ok Jeff, keep your hands on the camera and nothing else. We need you centered on her face, and no shaking."

"Of course Larry, when have I ever given you a shaky shot?" Jeff replied indignantly.

Larry remembered the Grammy's when he zoomed in on Lady Gaga's cleavage and left it there. Thank-God Larry had Tom on the steady-cam to switch to.

The control room was ablaze with lights, monitors, teleprompters scrolling, digital clocks, and on the fly schedules. The tea party was winding down, most of the speakers had been as boring as politicians ever could be. But Sarah Palin had electric energy about her, and this would hit national news, so Larry was concerned the control room needed to do a good job.

"Larry, you want me to follow her out or stay here on the floor?" That was Tom with the steady cam.

"Stay on the floor, I want a low shot looking up. Let's make her look larger than life.

"Got that."

The speaker that was introducing Sarah Palin was winding down his introduction. Larry had the actual text on a teleprompter in front of him.

"Ok guys, he's got about five seconds to go. Tim, go stage right and get her coming out. Four, three, two, one... switching to Tim on 2. Good, follow her. Bob, turn up the background applause. Max it out. Good, good, Jeff, give me two inches of the lectern on the bottom and... what the hell is she doing... she's walking toward the front of the stage. Shit this isn't a rock concert. Tom, you got her? Switching to Tom on 4, now!"

Sarah walked to the front lip of the stage and leaned over to shake some hands. If Jeff wanted cleavage, he was probably soiling his pants right now.

"Ok, switching back upstairs to Tim on 2, follow her back to the lectern. Get ready Jeff. Bob, fade out the crowd noise, turn up her mike. Good, good... ready Jeff..."

"I'm ready, two inches of lectern on bottom."

"Ready, ready, ok, switching to Jeff on 1. Jeff, she's all yours for now. Wait, Artie, got some good crowd shots? Pan them. And three, two, one... Artie on 3, now! Good. Good. Yep, I like the lady with the tea bag on her head, good one. Ok, Jeff, back to you, on one, now!"

Sarah began her speech. Larry was skimming through it to check again any notable names in the audience she would mention, when suddenly it hit him... she's not using the speech! She's freestyling it. Damn. "Ok guys, bad news, she's off paper. We'll have to play it by ear."

"Larry, this is Tim."

"Yeah, whad'ya got?"

"On her left hand... in her palm... there appears to be... writing."

"What?" Larry switched to monitor 2 and Tim's shot. "Zoom in. Oh my god, you're right. What is that? Is that her speech?"

"Well if it is, it's the shortest speech in the world."

Larry looked at Jeff's monitor, the current active shot. Yeah, you could see it as she held palms out. Larry wondered, should he show this to the world? Zoom in? He looked at Tim's image again. The Sony cameras had amazing zoom features, but at this high level the shot became a little jittery. He did a snap shot and then digitally zoomed in 500x. It was out of focus.

He had sharpening software, so he loaded the photo and began to correct.

Bob walked over and leaned over his shoulder. "So what's it say?"

Though the software did a good job, it was tiny writing and at 90 degrees. Larry rotated the image of her hand. Larry could hear Sarah talking about Barack Obama. Well, he certainly wasn't here, so no use looking for him in the audience.

Finally Bob spoke up. "I think it says... milk, eggs, TP, and... and... Kotex maxi pads. It's a friggin shopping list!"

Larry sat back annoyed. "Well that's useless. Jeff, you got her the rest of the night. If she can't follow her written speech, I ain't going to get all jumpy."

"No problemo Larry. Did I tell you I love her? I think she's hot. I could look at her all night."

Larry turned off his headset.

***