My Story
Deirdre was back in her corner office, with a gaggle of her female co-workers gathered around checking out her latest tech toy. Deirdre was famous for her technical wizardry, she owned the latest iPhone, Droid, tablet PC, voice recognition GPS, wireless ear buds that let her listen to her MP3 player without the telltale white wire hanging down her cleavage. Most women might have found that unattractive, being a little nerdy and technologically innovative. But not Deirdre. She was attractive, smart, intelligent, and to boot, blonde. Pulling out her gadgets on a date always got the guys to raise an eyebrow and give her second consideration.
Sure there was the occasional guy who felt threatened, and wanted to argue Mac OSX vs. Windows 7. But that's when her voice activated Droid would suddenly ring announcing her aunt had just had a heart attack, and she could easily exit out of that date.
But this was a girls only moment. Deirdre was showing off to her office mates her latest technological gizmo. A wireless remote control for a vibrator. The audience of twenty-somethings that had gathered to see the device were in a hysterical set of giggles. Knowing comments about how BOBs (battery operated boyfriends) were often more reliable than boyfriends were being shared. Some claimed their real boyfriends were so inept that they demanded the boyfriends use one in addition to their own biologically powered contraptions.
"So what's the advantage of a wireless control?" Megan asked.
"Well, sometimes while I'm using it and the vibration frequency is too slow or too intense, it can be difficult to adjust the dial on the thing when it's out of eye sight, and your fingers are all wet and slippery. You just leave this tiny little device in your free hand, and gently move the the dial in whatever direction you need at the moment."
"So, have you tried it yet?"
"well, want to hear a secret?"
All the other girls leaned in.
"I have the other half in there right now."
The room erupted in laughter and squeals. "No!" "You are so bad!" "I can't believe you wore it to work!"
Christie looked at Deirdre's monitor. "You have a meeting reminder on there."
"Oh my god, my eleven o'clock. I better turn this off. I don't want to start moaning during Schaeffer's budget presentation."
One of the girls laughed. "I would turn it on high, just to keep yourself from falling asleep. He's such a bore."
Everyone laughed but Deirdre who grabbed her netbook and headed off to the meeting. She checked her iPhone for any other messages, and frowned at all the tweets from her friends. She needed to put in a better filter. She was getting way too many messages. She switched it to silent mode so it wouldn't buzz during the meeting.
The conference room was crowded, and being slightly late, Deirdre only had one chair she could find available, right up front next to Schaeffer. She would have preferred sitting in the back, out of sight, but oh well. She definitely could not nod off today.
As she took her seat, Bob Schaeffer, the company CFO, stood up and cleared his throat. "Thank-you everyone, let us get started." He turned on the projector in front that displayed a large Powerpoint introductory screen behind him. "The FY 2011 budget for your divisions has been released, and I would like to go over the preliminary numbers with you." He took the wireless mouse next to his laptop and clicked to change to the next slide.
Suddenly Deirdre sat up straight. What the... a device that should have remained in the off position suddenly came alive with a hum that only she could feel. How could it have... she had left the control back on her desk. Had one of her office mates decided to get funny and turn it on? She would kill them! But no, there was no way the RF signal could travel that far. It could not have had a range of more than ten to fifteen feet. It only ran on a single AAA battery.
Bob Schaeffer flipped to the next slide, then brought up an Excel spreadsheet side by side. He slowly began to scroll down the spreadsheet, and simultaneously Dierdre's device increased in intensity. She stared frantically at his mouse. Could it? Might it be on the same frequency as her remote? Bob suddenly scrolled back up to the top of the spreadsheet in response to a question, and the intensity diminished. Deirdre was able to relax.
She had to escape. She looked to her right, but realized all of the latecomers that arrived after her had crowded along the wall. Excusing herself to leave would create a huge commotion as she tried to slip out. It was way too early. Bob scrolled back down again, and the vibrations tripled. Oh my god, Deirdre thought. She had never turned it up this high before. This was crazy. Nice, but just not here. She closed her eyes and tried to concentrate.
As Bob scrolled further down, it got even more intense. Deirdre's back went stiff, she pulled her elbows tight into her sides. Did a feint sound escape her lips? As she opened her eyes, Bob was looking at her.
"Are you okay Ms. Coomer?"
"Yes, yes. I'm fine. I was just- just trying to digest our departments projected increases. It's... stimulating."
"Oh, good, I'm glad. So to continue," he clicked on the next slide.
Wait, he had to turn it down! "Uh Mr. Schaeffer, can you go back to the spreadsheet?"
Bob Schaeffer was surprised. Deirdre almost never spoke during these meetings. Suddenly, she seemed very engaged. "Yes, yes I can."
"Now," and Deirdre gasped a little tyring to get some self control, her knees tight together and almost trembling. "Can you scroll back up to the top?"
He did. Oh, what a relief she thought as the vibrations practically disappeared on the lowest setting. Deirdre released a huge sigh of relief. "Yes, the Advanced Analytics Division. That's four hundred thousand. Ok, thanks, that's all. You can continue."
Bob looked at her. "If you're having trouble seeing I can zoom in," and he moved his index finger back to the scroll wheel.
"No, no!" and she leaned over and grabbed his hand. "It's fine, really, it is."
Bob looked down at her hand on his.
"Go to the next slide. Please!"
"Yes, of course."
As the presentation went on, it continued to be crazy. Bob scrolled up and down through charts Deirdre went into tiny spasms and tremors. She swore she was bleeding from her lips, biting them so hard not to make any sounds. When they got to the FY 2012 projections, Deirdre finally succumbed to the big O, but stifled it as best as she could by spinning her chair around.
Bob thanked everyone for coming and adjourned the meeting, keeping a leery eye on Deirdre. Everyone else got up to leave, but Deirdre remained sitting there for awhile.
She finally looked up at Bob Schaeffer, with a feint smile on her face. "Bob, may I call you Bob?"
"Why yes, yes you may Ms. Coomer."
"Bob, that was the best damn budget presentation you've ever given." And she slowly got up and staggered out of the conference room.
***
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