"JOS, Nigeria — The religious massacres have stopped, but "secret" killings of Christians and Muslims continue on a smaller scale across central Nigeria, claiming more than 30 lives this year, police said Tuesday."
My Story
Richard Numbai was thrilled to see so many youth turn out at the Greater Lagos Bible Study and Youth Camp for the spring session. With unemployment so high, many of these youth tended to loiter on the streets and were ripe for recruitment by gangs and drug dealers. But here they were safe from such immoral activities and could benefit from good, clean religious studies, bible readings, and practical day to day survival skills living in the Nigerian bush.
Richard had the Army of God class assigned to him, and it was one of his favorites to teach. The students were all eager listeners and he loved filling their open minds with the tools necessary to succeed in life and to support their communities.
"So class," Richard asked as he raised a machete. "What is this?"
"A machete!" many shouted.
"A Muslim height adjustment tool," someone from the back added.
Richard laughed. "Ha ha, such a funny sense of humor. Well, you're both right. It is a machete, and it's one of the many tools we use in dealing with the Muslim problem. Now class, what is the best way to use a machete?"
Several arms shot up. Richard picked the closest one. "Yes?"
"On the neck!" an eager young girl with shiny ebony skin declared.
"Yes, that's good. What else?"
A group of blank stares looked back at him. There was mumbling, but the class was stumped. What else would you do but try and chop off the head?
"Why you can use it on any body part! Yes, you see a machete is a hacking tool. Many years ago your grandfathers and their ancestors before them used machetes to cut down the thick jungle brush. But today, we use a machete mostly for dealing with our troublesome Muslim infestation from the North. And when you encounter one of these vile vermin, of course you first instinct is to go for the head. Nothing like a good clean head chop. Remove the head and you remove the problem.
But sometimes they're not so cooperative, hmm? They run like roaches, they twist and dart like in a game of dodge ball. Yet the fact is, you can use this on any part of them. Just lift the blade and hack down, like so," and he made a hacking motion on an invisible Islamist to give them a good example of how it could be done.
"Once hit, it will slow them down. If you hack off their arms first, they can't cover their heads or necks, and then you have a clean shot to remove that pesky appendage from which spouts so many heathen blasphemies.
The class gave knowing nods.
"Okay, I need two volunteers. Okay, you and you. What are your names?"
Two young people rushed up like they had just been picked for the Price is Right.
"Thomas," said the big burly youth.
"Victoria," a bright eyed girl responded coming up behind the boy.
"Okay, Thomas, you play the part of a Muslim dog. Oh, c'mon, don't look so disappointed. You'll get your chance later to be a Christian hero. Virctoria, you take the machete. Now turn it around and use the blunt edge. We don't want you to really chop up Richard. His mom would be so mad at me if he came home with no arms."
Victoria was thrilled to hold the heavy blade. Richard knew to let the weak girl play the Christian avenger because girls generally did as they were told and rarely caused injury. A few years ago he had the boy be the Christian and before he could tell him to turn the blade around to the blunt side, he had already removed the girls left arm. The school had to pay a fifty dollar fine for that one.
"Ok, Thomas, pretend your name is Mohammed. Now try and look like a Muslim. C'mon, more of a crazed look. Let your tongue hang out. Good. Now class, Victoria here is the righteous one. She and her group of Christian Avengers is trying to rid her village of Muslim scum, and she comes across Thomas, or Mohammed, hiding behind the outhouse." The class laughed at that one. Kids always loved potty jokes.
"Now Thomas, you see Victoria and you cower. What would you do when cowering like the useless dirt bag of dung you are? Good, you put your hands over your head and crouch down, ha ha, as if Victoria could ever have mercy for you. Now Victoria, his arms are over his head, which part do you hit with your blade?"
"Umm," she looked perplexed. Thomas was moving his arms around and she didn't really have a good shot at anything. "Uh, his back?"
"Good, good, that part is uncovered. But the back has the spinal cord and bone is hard to cut. It will hurt him, but when the blade hits the bone it will jar your arms and hurt you as well. You might even drop the blade, and you don't want that to happen, right? Imagine a heathen picking up a weapon like that, right? He would surely chop off your arms and legs and then rape you, right? Do you want to know what's best to do? Just hack, right down the middle, right down the center of his flailing arms. You will take off more than enough to free up the neck."
Victoria turned around and faced Thomas. She looked at him warily and then lightning fast lifted the machete and swung down as hard as she could right down the middle as instructed.
"Oh!" She was a strong girl, this would smart- "Ooh, that's not good," he followed as the blade tip hit the dirt. You turned the blade back, sharp side down." Thomas was in two pieces.
"But he was a heathen Muslim. The Muslims killed my nanny and pappy and my uncles and my cousins. I hate Muslims!" Victoria cried out, dropping the blade to the ground. "Is his mother going to be mad at me?
"Yes, you're right, he was a Muslim, sort of. Actually, a very good Muslim. I liked how he did the tongue thing, almost had me convinced. And no, I'm sure his mother will understand. Class, let's all kneel and hold hands and say a prayer for Thomas. Dear Lord, forgive Thomas who became a heathen momentarily and incurred the right hand of wrath of your righteous avengers. Remember his soul when he gets to heaven that he was just pretending, and though for an instance he really looked like one and fooled Victoria, please remember he was a good boy. Amen."
Everyone gave Thomas a moment of silence. Richard then pointed to two other big boys and instructed them to drag and toss the pieces over by the swing set. Damn, this was going to be a hundred dollar fine easily. And the mother will demand a hundred dollars as well. Oh well.
"So Class, Victoria vanquished the devil, right? But what did she do wrong at the end?"
"She dropped the machete!" a small boy called from the back.
"Correct! What's more, notice all this blood? Blood is very slippery. You have to take care to not step in it or get any on you. You have no way of knowing where this heathen has been or what he's done. Heathen blood is especially dirty."
"You could wipe the machete off on the heathen's clothes. That's what I would do."
"Very good!" Richard admitted. "What's your name?"
"Thomas."
"Oh, another Thomas. Well Thomas, the Righteous, you're a very smart boy!" Richard was so proud of these kids. They were going to make wonderful Christian Avengers. The Muslims won't know what hit them.
***
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