"Gentleman. We are really in a bind here," the chief editor of the Fox News editorial team admonished his reporters, correspondents, and news anchors. "We had a great time back in February trashing the Global Warming tree huggers. That shot of Gore's An Inconvenient Truth sitting in a snow drift after those two back to back snow storms was precious. We got tons of positive vibes from the tea bagging community on that."
"But these last few ninety degree days in April - friggin April! - we're being hounded by climatologists and some of our regular watchers as well. They want to know how we conservatives can explain this without capitulating and admitting to global warming. What have you got for me?"
The pall of cigarette and cigar smoke hung heavy in the air. Even though it was illegal to smoke inside a building in the District of Columbia, the Fox News team believed they were exempt from such meddlesome unwanted government interference. Plus they were behind locked doors.
"So, what do we tell our viewers?"
"I think we should go with the hot air coming out of Washington. Blame it on the Democratic Congress. That's always a good one."
The editor shook his head. "No, we've beaten that one to death. Need a fresh angle. We need to show that Global Warming is bunk but explain why is it suddenly so hot in spring. C'mon people, use your thinking caps."
"I don't know," one junior correspondent spoke up. "Maybe they're right. Maybe it is global warming!"
"What!" the room erupted in shouts of bunk and bullshit and garbage.
The editor had to calm them down. Turning to the reporter, "What the hell are you, a sheep in Fox clothing? Get outta here. Tell me your beliefs at your next performance review!"
"I- I'm sorry," he sheepishly replied. "Hey, let's blame it on that volcano in Iceland! Let's say all that hot lava is heating up the air."
"What volcano in Iceland?" the editor asked. "I didn't hear anything about any volcano."
"Oh, I saw it on CNN," the reporter said.
"Why are you watching CNN?"
"Uh, just to keep an eye on the liberals. You know, so they don't pull any sneak attacks on us."
"So when did this volcano go off?"
"Uh, about the same time that Lindsey Lohan filed that suit against the E*Trade baby claiming they were making fun of her."
"Oh, so the volcano story got preempted by important stuff. I dunno, if no one's heard about the volcano, not sure it'll fly," the editor said, rubbing his chin.
"Well you know Obama's got all those heads of state in town for that nuclear summit?" another reporter added. "We could say the town is heating up more than normal!"
"What nuclear summit?" the editor asked.
"Uh, he invited the heads of state of like a hundred countries to talk about getting rid of nuclear materials and stuff to stop terrorists from getting it and making bombs. It's complicated."
"Wish someone would drop a bomb on him."
"Hey, I read this old book about the cold war," the reporter continued, "you know the commies versus Ronald Reagan? And it said if there was a huge nuclear war, the earth would get stuck in a Nuclear Winter. All those mushroom clouds wouldn't let in any sunlight, and the earth would cool down."
"Really?" the editor perked up, rubbing his chin even more vigorously. "You might have something there. I like that, Nuclear Winter."
"Yeah," a junior editor chimed in. "If we rattled the North Koreans chains a little and they fired off some nukes, their stuff can only reach Japan and South Korea. America would of course come to the defense of our ex-allies, and obliterate North Korea and Ill Jung Ill or whatever his name is."
The editor was smiling. "I'm liking this. And who needs the Koreans and Japanese anyway. I'm still pissed about 12/7."
More blank stares.
"12/7, that was the old 9/11, Pearl Harbor folks?"
A flurry of understanding nods and ahs replied.
"With them out of the picture all those manufacturing jobs return to the U.S., no more Toyotas or Hyundais."
"I like my Toyota Lexus."
"So buy a god-damn Cadillac Escallade. Has a bigger engine."
"Ah, yes sir"
"And if we can get the Israelis to nuke Iran preemptively, so they can't destroy the home of the Bible and Jesus, damn, yes! And we tell all the folk that this nuclear winter will even out with global warming. A total win-win situation! And minus two pain-in-the-ass prick terrorist loving countires. Now that sounds like a plan!"
"But that means we have to admit there really is global warming."
"Whatever, we'll blame it on the volcano. Get me Beck and O'Reilly on the phone. We got some sabers we need to start rattling!"
***
"The risk of a nuclear attack has been on the rise, Obama said yesterday at the 2010 Nuclear Security Summit. The risk of a nuclear war may be on the decline, but there are still many nations that have nuclear materials.
Obama said, “Just the smallest amount of plutonium, about the size of an apple, could kill and injure hundreds of thousands of innocent people.” And this is why leaders from 47 different nations are gathering to address this problem. President Obama claimed these nuclear materials, and the fact that they can get into the hands of terrorists, are the greatest threat to the world today."
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