Interesting News

Frank sat down on the park bench next to his old friend. "Hey Mort, did you see the paper today?"

"What?"

"I said, did you see the paper today? Some interesting news."

"Yeah? Like what?"

"Well, seems like this condo complex in Baltimore is making all the dog owners submit DNA samples of their dogs so they can figure out who's not scooping the poop!"

"Hunh, ain't that some shit."

"And they say they're building a fast lane for pedestrians on the sidewalks of New York, so New Yorkers can get around all the slow moving, gawking tourists."

"Really? What was the score?"

"And did you see this guy in Michigan is showing his girlfriend pictures of when he served in Iraq, and suddenly up come photos of him molesting some two year old girl."

"Yeah. I like those two for one sales."

"And this German medical student gets mugged so he escapes and the muggers follow him into a Ninja training school. Ha ha! Big mistake."

"You don't say. Do you think he got a refund?"

"And North Korea says they will consider it an act of war if South Korea takes any reprisal for North Korea's act of war torpedoing that boat."

"How about that. Always wanted to visit North Dakota."

"And did you hear about the little second grade girl that told Michelle Obama that her mother doesn't have papers? How long do you think she's going to stay around?"

"I'm going to hang out here in the park until dinnertime."

"And then there's this article that says Viagra can cause hearing loss."

"No, I don't use floss. I have dentures."

"Damn Mort, you should go see a doctor and have that hearing of yours checked."

"Check? No, they now put your Social Security right into your bank account. It's called Direct Deposit."

"Whatever Mort."

Monday is Cancelled

It's raining, the skies are grey
Monday blahs and I've fallen and I can't get up
out of bed. The Red Shirts are protesting
and the Thais don't care and I didn't wear
a tie or a red shirt today but
just don't make fun of their beloved king
with the extremely high falsetto voice (snicker).

Another plane has crashed today and 44 dead
and no single child survivor who has to be told
that his parents have died, is that a good or
bad thing?

They stuck a pipe into the leaking pipe
to siphon off the leaking pipe but the
pipe still leaks and that's not good
unless you like your shrimp well oiled.
Speaking of leaks Eyjafjallajökul keeps
leaking vowells and syllables that I can't
pronounce and lots of ash that shuts down
all the airpace over northern europe, I guess
I won't fly there today.

Another study that damns cell phones says
they may or may not cause cancer. I might
or might not believe it. Meanwhile in the
latest craze of the new National Chinese Sport
a man attacks six girls with a meat cleaver
in a story that would make Freddy proud.

And in the human interest category for today
an octopus caught a shark for dinner. Ha ha
what an ironic twist! Though it sucks if you're
the shark, so I agree let's just cancel Monday
and go back to bed and maybe tomorrow the sun
will come out... oh wait, they cancelled the
Little Orphan Annie comic strip too.

Damn. Monday sucks.

Just Call Mom

"Hi Mom."

"Who is this?"

"It's your son."

"Who?"

"Lamar."

"Lamar who?"

"Lamar McKay, mom, same last name as you."

"Lamar McKay? He doesn't live here anymore."

"Ok, Mom, cut it out, it's me."

"I haven't heard from him since he became president of BP America."

"Mom."

"He wanted to grow up to be president of the United States. But I never knew it would be of an oil company. And now I can't even get a gas credit card for BP, much less a phone call from my son on Mother's Day. No, I have no idea where he is."

"C'mon Mom, cut it out. I've had a long day."

"Oh, and was it any longer than I had sitting by the phone waiting for a call from her son on Mother's Day?"

"Mom, I'm sorry, I had to go to Washington to testify in front of Congress about the oil leak in the Gulf."

"Oh, so after changing a thousand leaky diapers, you grow up and have leaks of your own? How ironic."

"Mom, it's not our fault. The oil rig is operated by someone else, and it had been recently worked on by the Haliburton people, the same ones that screwed up in Iraq? They probably screwed up again, caused the explosion. But we own the oil, so we'll pay for it all."

"Oh, so you won't admit to do something wrong, and always blame someone else. My son didn't call me on Mother's day because Halibutton broke your pipe and you had to go to Washington. And I suppose you couldn't say in front of all those cameras, Hi Mom, Happy Mother's Day?"

"Mom, I couldn't do that. That would not have been cool. So many people are demonizing us. All those bird lovers and shrimp catchers are blaming us for all the oil. Heck, I'm losing $100 million dollars of profit everyday getting spilled into the Gulf. You don't hear anyone saying they feel sorry for me."

"So is this what this phone call is about? You want someone to feel sorry for you?"

"Well, no Mom. I'm just- just saying- that- well, yeah, actually that is why I called. Everyone is just yelling at me. Congressman and environmentalists and fishermen and those snitty British Corporate heads at BP London. I've had a bad day."

"Oh Lamar, I am so sorry. You should come home and I'll make you a nice bowl of chicken noodle soup."

"Yeah, that sounds good Mom. It's so nice to hear your voice."

"I'd make you a bowl of shrimp gumbo, your favorite, but they say gulf shrimp aren't safe to eat right now. I don't know why."

"Nevermind Mom. Chicken soup is just fine."

"My poor baby."

***

Inspired by:

"(Reuters) - The device designed to cut the oil flow after BP's oil rig exploded was faulty, the head of a congressional committee said on Wednesday as executives in the unfolding Gulf of Mexico disaster were lambasted over shoddy practices in the second day of hearings.

And:

"A phone call from your mother can help calm you down after a stressful event and regulate your hormone levels, according to a study on human relationships, Agence-France Presse reported."

For Sale

1993 Nissan Pathfinder SE - $1500
(New York City - Times Square Area)


V6, automatic, 3rd owner 178,625 miles (I only did 40), engine runs strong, doesn't burn or use oil, good 4wd and drivetrain, solonoid sticks sometimes - a few clicks, then it starts. there's either a crack in vacuum line on the intake manifold, or the fuel pump is on the way out, because you have to keep a little pressure on the gas pedal after it warms up - or it'll stall. good heat. pistons that hold up rear hatch needs to be replaced. some body rust, mainly in front and back of rear wheelwell. a little recent smoke damage, but it'll air out. this truck never let me down. all she needs is a little tlc. thanks for looking.

good 31" yokahama tires
rebuilt tranny
custom dual exhaust
power windows
power locks
seat warmers
sunroof
cruise
remote start (doesn't work dammit)
sony 10 disc shuffle
front bangbar
WMD mudflaps

oh, there's some stuff in the back seat: a box of fertilizer (planting a garden?), some unused fireworks (great for the kids for 4th of july). also a couple of propane tanks for a barbecue, and even some full gas cans for that extra long road trip if you want to hit the road. I am. I'm leaving the country and must sell immediately, my flight for Dubai leaves yesterday if you know what I mean.

Tried to donate it to Viacom for their next Comedy Central South Park episode, but that deal fizzled out. Those guys are really culturally insensitive with their depictions of Mohammed, praised be his name. If you share my mid eastern values I can give you some great ideas of what you can do with this truck. If not, she still purrs like a kitten and will get you to the mosque on Fridays.

- Location: Times Square
- It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests unless you're selling a detonator that really works

***

There She Blows!

It first showed up as a small news blurb at kcra.com. It simply said an explosion was reported at a wind turbine farm in Northern California. Fire and rescue were reporting to the scene, and little else detail was given. Even the exact location was omitted. Several other local tv station web sites reported it as well, with a few listing the various fire engine companies responding. But it wasn't until ktvu.com in San Francisco reported a major explosion and multiple missing persons that the news wires, the networks, and the social web sites began to take notice and pick up the story as they first nationalized, and then internetionalized it.

Fark.com made it's customary snarky news headline, Wind Farm Crashes, Oh No Not Another Leak! Then came Huffingtonpost.com with its headline, "Major Disaster at Northern California Wind Farm, Several Maintenance Workers Feared Dead. The Associated Press finally ran a story on their wire and ap.org, "Wind Farm Blow-UP - Feared Ecological Damage." The first major network to pick up on it was Fox News, "Wind Farm Disaster, Green Not So Clean? It was finally a San Francisco Chronicle Reporter that twittered on the scene reporting,"Wind Turbine explodes, falls over and begins domino effect knocking over other turbines. Landslide then knocks over more turbines. With release of excess wind, more turbines overheat in excessive spin, causing more and more to fail. Massive wind leak reported, officials mobilizing to contain it."

CNN.com hit with the first finger pointing news story, Fail Safe Safety Features Fail at Wind Farm, Where Were the Regulators? This was followed by Reddit.com and its massively upvoted story, Oh Fuck, Northern Cal About to get Blown Away Next abcnews.com reported, California Wind Farm Disaster, Officials Scramble to Clean Up Excessive Wind as well as cbsnews.com and its story Major Wind Spill - Escaping Wind Could Ravish Ecosystem for Months. Digg.com, late as always, still had a massively popular story of Who Farted? Northern Cal Wind Farm Crash Lets Loose a Big One.

Now the bloggers joined in. And a quick peek at news.google.com and its associated blog entries listed a variety of opinions, Wind Farm Disaster Worst of Century; Wind Leak Could Ravage Northern California Pot Farms; Drill For Oil 'Cause Wind Blows! Scientists at noaa.gov began to post simulated mappings of the escaping wind spreading over Northern California, and projected paths into Nevada and further east. Slashdot.org had an article on, "Migratory bird paths could be severely altered by new wind patterns. Swallows of Capistrano at great risk of being late.

Finally whitehouse.gov released a statement from the President stating, "The government is doing everything it can to help local and state officials, as well as the owners of the wind farm, to contain the massive leak of wind escaping into Northern and Central California. The California National Guard is being recalled from Iraq and the Coast Guard has joined in Search and Rescue missions for lost medicinal pot growers. The government asks any other wind power industry partners to step forward with any ideas of how to help contain and stop the wind leaks. This wind leak could cause havoc all across the Cascades and Sierra Nevada mountains, even south should the wind patterns shift. Not to be outdone, Governor Schwarzennegar posted on ca.gov that he would convene a special session of the California legislature to talk about this issue.

Soon, videos began appearing on youtube.com that quickly went viral, everything with suggestions of giant pinwheels made with recycled cardboard to slow the wind, to Chinatown residents mobilizing with giant dragon kites to help catch the wind. Suggestions of burning the wind (wind provides oxygen) were also made, but discounted due to the large amounts of flammable material such as diesel oil that would be necessary.

Sadly as of this posting, there is no end in sight to the giant amounts of wind gushing from the coast onto the mountains and beyond to the prairies, threatening to blow away the way of life for millions of Americans.


***

Inspired by:

"‘Daunting’ oil spill will wind up in court, AG says; BP pledges to pick up tab"